Hi fellow traveler! Yes, you— I’m talking to you. I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Your airport and air travel behavior is completely inappropriate. I understand that you might not be a “pro traveler,” but that’s no excuse for you to not have some common courtesy on this flight we’re sharing. You’re likely confused as to what I’m talking about, so allow me to break down your annoying habits. Please make sure your seatbelt is properly fastened, and pay close attention:

• Not properly prepping yourself for security. You know that you’re going to have to go through a security screening at the airport. Don’t come to the airport wearing every piece of jewelry you own. And don’t pack bottles of shampoo in your carry-on! Before arriving at the airport, take a minute and prep for your passage through the security checkpoint. Take this tip from me: Remove all jewelry, electronics, and all other objects from your person— and put them inside your carry-on bag. The only thing on you should be your identification and boarding pass. Everything else – wallet, cell phone, belt, necklace, Hershey’s bar – should be safely tucked away before you approach security. This will make your life, and mine, infinitely easier.
• Standing in line to board the plane— before it’s your turn to board. Most airlines board the plane by zone or row numbers; regardless of whether or not you think this is a good system, it’s just the way it works. Respect the system. If you’re assigned to Zone 4, and they’re currently boarding Zones 1 – 3, get out of the way. Far out of the way. Don’t stand in line to board. Don’t stand next to the line, or hover around the line. Sit down and wait your turn like a good travel lemming.
• Taking your shoes off on the plane, and making sure I know about it. I understand that your feet ache from standing in line to check-in, and waiting to board the plane, but that’s no excuse to slip off your shoes and shove your rank feet into my face. My worst experience with this was when a gentleman sitting next to me, wearing no shoes or socks, crossed his legs and proceeded to “toe dance” with my iPod headphone cable as it hung down from my ears. You sir, are disgusting.
• Bringing gross food to chow down in-flight. Don’t get me wrong— I hate that if I want a snack on the plane I’m forced to fork over $7 for a pathetic “snack box” consisting of bagel chips, gross cheese, and a cookie. I like bringing my own snacks on the plane when possible, but no one likes it when fellow passengers whip out a Domino’s Supreme Pan Pizza or Taco Bell Burrito Supreme mid-flight. The smell is overwhelmingly, it will linger for the rest of the flight, and we can only imagine the effect it’s going to have on your digestive system. Stick to non-smelly snacks, please.
• Cramming around the baggage claim conveyer. We just de-planed, and we’re all ready to grab our checked bags and high-tail it out of the airport. As painless as this process should be though, you’ve decided to stand so close to the conveyer that I’m nervous you might fall onto it. Don’t you realize that, if everyone stood a few feet back from the conveyer belt, we could all very easily spot and retrieve our bags? Instead, because of the “conveyer crowd,” I need to push my way through the masses and struggle to get my bag without hitting anyone with it in the process. Back away from the conveyer and make this easier for all of us.

Yeah, I’m passionate about air travel. And while I know that I sound like a wild complainer here, it’s all in good fun— and in an effort to maybe, just maybe, better the travel experience for all of us. I love flying, and I’m always fascinated by the people I encounter both at the airport and in the air. So fly safe and have fun up there… but please, no toe dancing.