Ever since I knew what childbirth was all about, at least from the physical standpoint, I was terrified of it. As someone who easily cries at a stubbed toe, the shear pain that has been described in books and plays and movies and by close friends, too, was enough for me to decide that that really wasn’t anything I ever wanted to purposely put myself through. If there was a way to have a baby without actually having to have a baby, I might have considered it.

Besides the physical pain, I was happily married and happy to explore the world with Bob and pursue our own passions together. Just the two of us. Just the two of us was enough for us. We could get out the door in fifteen minutes. We could plan a spontaneous adventure without any thought. We could sleep! until noon or be up at 6am and not have a worry about anything. Our dogs kept us company, and we loved going to the dog park or hiking runyon canyon with them by our sides.

We were complete, until we weren’t.

The idea of having a baby hit hard and fast. We didn’t want one until we really wanted one. Bob actually was the first to bring it up, several years ago, but we put that thought out of our minds as we grew in our careers, explored far off places and experienced so many incredible things.

Even once we found out, fears and doubts crept into my mind. How would we still travel? How would we still pursue our own goals and passions? How would our marriage work? etc, etc, etc.

A lot of my friends were shocked when we told them we were expecting. After years of telling them I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids, I could understand way.

One of my biggest fears when I first found out I was pregnant actually wasn’t anything to do with having a baby, it was the fear that having a baby would create a separation between myself and my friends who didn’t want to have kids. Before now we were all in the same boat. I was terrified that my super close friendships would come to a halt. Because while having a baby was fulfilling something inside me, my friends also provide so much happiness and joy. The idea that I’d have to give up one thing for another was always on my mind throughout the entire pregnancy. Luckily, I have the best friends and should never have doubted them. All of them have been so supportive and I can’t imagine going through this experience without them. From sending sweet gifts for Augustine to showing up unannounced with dinner and dessert for me and Bob, they’ve shown their support in many ways. We are truly so lucky.

As someone who tries to live with a glass half full mindset, I’m going to try and be as honest as I can about being 32 and a new mother. Every moment of every day isn’t perfect, but there are near perfect moments everyday. I still question whether or not I’ll be able to chase my own dreams while raising a child. I’m slowly accepting the idea of someone else watching her while I’m not around. And, as much as I want to see her as a toddler (to have her form her own sentences and see her thirst for adventure grow) I’m cherishing these tiny newborn moments. Sometimes I look over at her and am still amazes that Bob and I created her.

Things that have surprised me, 6 weeks into being a mom:

– Just typing out that I’m a mom is crazy and doesn’t seem totally real yet

– literally the second your child is out of you, you no longer have morning sickness- it’s amazing

– the amount of love I have for her is overwhelming at times

– Filling out any paperwork with Augustine’s name on it

– breastfeeding is hard work! I won’t get graphic but damn, no one prepares you for that!

– being able to comfort your baby is a huge deal. when she smiles at you, especially in the middle of the night when you are so tired, you feel like a million bucks and that you could have a billion kids just like this one. At the same time, when I can’t comfort her and I’ve tried all the tricks I’ve read about and nothing works, I feel like a complete failure.

– packing for my first trip felt exhilarating (I can’t believe I hadn’t been to the airport in three months!)

– Asking for help and not feeling ashamed

– I’m not one of those people who will have “lost all the baby weight cause I’m breastfeeding” (I think that’s a load of crap)

– the amazing power of a sound machine- how did we ever sleep without one?

– Everyone needs quality sleep- and that goes for everyone from my 6 week old baby to my 33 year old husband to my 13 year old dog!

– Watching Bob navigate this new world too, how we’re a family of three now.

Any advice to share? Would love to hear if any of these things ring true for you.