I took my first trip away from home in December, leaving Bob alone with our one month old baby.
The days before I left I questioned if I should go, but Bob convinced me that I definitely should especially considering it was only for two nights. At that time #KidAugustine was on a set sleeping schedule- sleeping for about 4 hours at a time and taking a bottle pretty easily. I had everything lined up to make the transition for Bob as simple as possible. Basically, we were killing the parenting game and our little baby was the most beautiful little genius that ever lived. Nothing could go wrong…
Except on the morning that my Uber driver showed up, Augustine was inconsolable. This was not part of the plan- why was she crying? Why wasn’t she going back to sleep? Feed her, check her diaper, is she cold, is she hot, should we swaddle her tighter, etc. Hoping that she would go back to sleep, I kissed Bob and Augustine and departed for Chicago.
My sweet baby didn’t go back to sleep though and it was a rough, sleepless day for Bob. There was no working while she slept because unless she was held, she would cry and cry. Of course hearing this made me feel awful for leaving- all the mom shaming chants started to crowd my mind: “it was too soon”, “she wasn’t ready to be alone”, “you’re never going to be able to travel again”, etc, etc, and I felt so guilty for leaving. I felt guilty for the luxurious bed and rain shower in my hotel. I felt guilty for going out with co-workers and drinking fancy drinks at fancy restaurants. I felt slightly guilty about my first class upgrade from Chicago back home. All these things that I love and work so hard for felt like I didn’t deserve any of them because while work might be going great, I was a deadbeat mom who left her crying baby alone. (Crazy, sleep deprived thoughts, I know. One should never apologize for getting upgraded to first class and that first glass of champagne really helped melt away the guilt- #sorrynotsorry)
The second day went better- she actually slept that night, probably from utter exhaustion, and Bob seemed in better spirits.
When I heard how difficult it was for Bob, I immediately thought “well, this is it. I can’t travel anymore. I don’t know how that will work with my job, but like everyone had suggested, my life was changed with our baby’s arrival and we won’t be able to carry on as we did before”.
Looking back on it now, I know that isn’t entirely the case.
Yes, that was a very difficult 48 hours for Bob (not taking anything away from him being alone with a one month old who misses her mom) that we now jokingly refer to as “adoptiongate”. But as we texted on my way to the airport on my way home, he said “we’ll figure this out. we can do this.”
We want to be the type of parents who share our passions with our kids and that means that we have to make those passions a priority too. I want Augustine to say “my mom has been all over the world, and I’m going with her on her next trip. My dad is a musician, and he’s teaching me how to play the guitar”.
The take-away for me was that this being a mom thing is going to have its ups and downs. I need to trust my instincts more but also relax knowing that I have a partner and we both want to make this life not only work but work joyously. Also, I need to give myself a break sometimes. This is our first baby and we are still very much figuring things out as we go along.
I realize not every experience is going to be sunshine and flowers, there will be off days, days that don’t go right and where Bob and I just feel like failures. But right now I feel pretty good about how we’re handling this whole parent thing.
